MEDIA SUICIDE

Bank Holiday Tuesday = Lazy Blog Post.

2010-12-28T16:46:00.013Z

The below images have been ~~sampled~~ shamelessly pilfered from the Buena Vista Tattoo Club Portfolio
& were inked by Volko Merschky & Simon Pfaff.
Enjoy...

I am an AllSaints Clone (updated post)

2010-11-10T17:52:00.011Z

"We admitted we were powerless over AllSaints—that our lives had become unmanageable."

Step one of twelve complete; now for the purpose of this post...

I like AllSaints clobber.
I also like playing spot-the-difference.
Below pictures related, perchance?

(srsly, I can't be the only person that noticed this?!)

Opinion-wise; I am on the fence on this one:
The lazy/freeloader side of me is knarked off that the same similarities appear to have been lost in translation with regard to the Ladieswear sections of Primark, Tesco Clothing et al: there goes my "ZOMG!! 10 FOR THE PRICE OF 1!!!" rationalised shopping binge.
The artist in me is disgusted by this blatent rip-off of creative work.
The teacher in me preaches that copying someone else's style is a compliment (that is, unless it's somebody else's schoolwork of course).

The cynic in me knows damn well that business is business: get the hell over it, woman.

Celebrity Shitlist

2010-10-31T19:36:00.004Z

I like lists.

Here is a list of celebrities that I despise for no apparent reason:

Russell Brand
Fearne Cotton
Monty Don
Lily Allen
Alan Davies
Will Smith
Simon Amstell
Ellie Golding
Alan Carr

/rant.

2010-08-02T11:48:00.006+01:00

Enjoy contemplating the most precise images of things whose sight is painful to us.

– Aristotle, Poetics.

...and they say romance is dead.

2010-03-30T10:57:00.003+01:00

"the sun has got a ploppy, hip hop hip hop yay.
The sun has gone all ploppy and he's going out of date."
-by Benny Ray Matthew, aged 24 and a quarter.

OkStupid

2010-02-17T20:14:00.013Z

Ever since I bit the online dating bullet, I had the desire to document the odd occasional gem: from the guy who offered me money in return for a drink in a pub; to the date who believed in no uncertain terms that gay people should have sex changes to make them 'straight'.

However, the sheer volume of my personal comedy goldmine stash is just a little too daunting to contemplate cataloguing at present; so in the meantime I bring you some light-hearted relief courtesy of the fucking nutcase pawing over my flatmate Seren's OKCupid profile: enjoy.

Subject: (no subject)
From: ARCHIE_MOSES

a lingering tongue down ur back
accompanied by a rose
with a long stem
wud make u shiver
then..
down round the back of ur kness
knees
and calve
up ur inside leg
slowly
easing
up into
ur nether inner thighs
as ur pelvis
pushes forward

legs
arching
apart slow
my hands
slide
slowly
under ur perk bottom
as u kindly
lift it
for me to slide under
sit back down
my big strong hands
cling
to ur cheeks
my tip of tung
slaps
n slithers
from ur tip of clit
riding sliding
easing
down the outer rim
of ur pus
caressing
ur body
slathering back up
thrusting
inside u
not all the way
jus an inch
for a min
then out
up the side
anticlockise
into the middle
flicking
at the top of ur clit with speed
slowing down
then speeding up again
ur chest heaves
ur nipples harden
ur breast
lift
ur fingers
cling to ur sheets
as i pull them unclinging them free
u raise them into my hair
shiver
shudder
ur ass titens
legs
wrap round my head
ur heels in the air
ur inner thighs pushed
press against my ears
i thrust deeper
now using my fingers
to separate ur hot
clasping
pulsating
warm
breathing
walls
to ease my tung in deeper
deeper
flicking
thrusting faster
faster
consistent
u
shudder forward
spasming
as i hold ur legs apart
n push down
hold them tite
ur
cummin
a spurt hits my tung
warm like
honey
ozzes
like a water fall
first tame
them gets mor consistent
violently gushing
im soaked lol

mmmmmmm
shud i go on
are u tingling?
wet
shud i stop?

legs
wrapped titely round
pelvis
smashes n rocks
forward
snapping like a turtles neck

ur matress and bed ring out
lol
im in a death clinch with ur legs
wrapped round me like an anaconda grip
boa constrictor if u will
i reach round ur akles
with my big arms
tensing
with all my strenth
pull myself free
u spray all over my chest
spurting
dirpping
hot
warm
pus juice
im soaked
licking my lips
i raise up ur stomach
ur exhausted
i lik ur nipples
rub ur juice into u
from my body
on urs
lay there
on top
ur lags lazily
tirelessly
looooosely
wrapped round my waist
i release a long warm
well deserved
well earned sigh
up ur sweating neck
wipe ur brow
rest my head
amidst ur breats
breasts
n whisper..

i love you

Cheers ARCHIE_MOSES: we love you too.

lost for words

2009-10-11T18:25:00.002+01:00

but filled with happy.

oh god how did this get here I am not good with computer

2009-05-10T11:19:00.006+01:00

Me: "Click the 'Home' button in your browser & tell me which website you go to?"
Her: "What's a 'browser'?"
Me:"The thing you use to access the internet"
Her:"Oh, I don't use one of those"
Me:"What do you use?"
Her: "I use Google."
Me: .jpg

This Post is Not About The Atheist Bus Campaign*

2009-03-08T23:23:00.002Z

*well, not quite.

Whilst I let out a silent cheer on behalf of my fellow free-speech-enthusiasts every time I boarded an “Atheist” 73; I have to confess that I eagerly awaited the reactions from the God-fearing folk amongst us. Disappointed I was not…

Clearly, the BHA were onto a winner with their justgiving fundraiser page, hence it was only a matter of time before a company like Alpha International threw their hat into the ring.
Rather flatteringly, Alpha opted to go for the “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” approach & set up their own justgiving page. Unfortunately for Alpha International, justgiving have a handy little shout box mechanism which allows donors to add some form of encouragement to their sponsor - or not, as Alpha International were soon to discover. With a minimum donation fee set at £2; anti-Alpha-ites flocked to mock the pre-empted failure of a counter campaign via the handy little "taunt" box.
At present, overall Alpha donations stand at £2,004, compared to overall Atheist donations at £151,661.
More than ¾ (£1,510) of Alpha donations have been made by 6 key (mostly anonymous) individuals.
15% of donations were in the form of “paid taunts”.
I haven't seen an Alpha bus poster yet; maybe they're waiting until they hit their target of £100,000.
- At the current rate of donations, Alpha will hit their target in c.1,000 year's time.**

I was dozing on the 73 last week when out of the corner of my eye I caught sight of an old friend... I'd become so accustomed to the trusty Atheist bus ads that I'd developed "consumer blinkers": I'd seen the ad; taken in the message & thus had no intention of reliving the experience.
But hang on a second...

"THERE DEFINITELY IS A"-WHAT?!
On further inspection I realised that the ad was actually an exact clone of the Atheist ads, albeit with entirely different copy. I practically went through the seven stages of grief whilst contemplating what exactly had compelled someone to commit such a heinous crime against the advertising world.

I mean come on; surely any marketing pro worth their salt ought to realise that repeated stimuli lowers one's intensity of consciousness = NOT PAYING ATTENTION, therefore rendering the entire campaign - for want of a better word - shit.

Oh, and God only knows what the ASA are going to have to say about this one, copyright implications aside.
BUT WAIT A MINUTE!
- Our nation of complainaholics:
(a) probably won't notice the ad.
(b) are probably too busy complaining about something more topical.

Maybe those Christian marketeer fellows knew what they were doing after all...

**Credit: Malcom Dodd

Thought of the Day #4

2009-02-13T16:48:00.004Z

More boys should paint their toenails black.

The Widget Midgets Versus The Bigger Boys?

2009-01-07T22:23:00.001Z

Facebook kick-started the roaring success of the widget; from propagating your own zombie army to giving your friend a puffer fish for their virtual aquarium. Unsurprisingly, the allure of one's idea virus spreading like wildfire amongst thousands of users proved irresistable to advertisers: concepts were simple; investments seemed minimal & the notoriously difficult to target social networkers were finally captivated.

The widget “gold rush” reached saturation in a matter of months, yet advertisers still wanted in on a piece of the action; from early-adopters Red Bull Roshambul (May 2007) to the somewhat more cautious TopShop Fashion Fix (December 2007). On paper, both advertisers have achieved a reasonable user base, with c.50k Roshambul & c.26k TopShop installs respectively (http://adonomics.com - 7th January 2009). Yet on closer inspection these figures paint a different picture: less than 1% of the above application users are actually actively using the brand’s application.

Building a branded application is relatively easy: mix 1 x PHP developer with 1 x reliable hosting service service & beat until you lose the will to live. Oh, & don't forget to season with 1 x bottomless pot of cash to taste.*

Once prêt, a hired helping hand of display traffic drivers, social ads & PR (not to mention the dark art of cost-per-install media buys should generate initial traction - but - the application/widget in question needs to be able to hold its own amongst its "unsponsored" peers...

Consumers love a gimmick, yet the main hurdle for advertisers is to hold their audience captive: the key to widget success is the continual renewal of a successful - yet focused - proposition.

Further still, what happens after a successful campaign? Is it sensible for a brand to make “friends” with thousands of people on Myspace or build a useful application, only to take it away from their newly-built fan base at the end of the campaign? A living application needs to be nurtured; if a brand is unwilling to invest in the ongoing management & updating of their widget, how much will brand perception be affected by out of date, stagnating content?

Slide Inc’s SuperPoke! is a great example of an application that embraces the fickle nature of the social networking audience; new “pokes” are constantly springing up, some limited to several thousand or appearing over several days in celebration of a public holiday. Users regularly check-back in search of new actions to “poke” their friends with, hence the active audience is kept engaged & active users are retained.

If an advertiser is able to piggyback an existing application’s success & vast audience reach, why go to the trouble of taking on the big boys at greater cost? In a cross-media sense, brands aren’t asking consumers to watch their bespoke TV Channels or buy their branded magazines from their local newsagent; so why should they expect a busy social networker to utilise & endorse a “wolf in sheep’s clothing” piece of advertising when they could be engaged in a realtime virtual Mafia showdown?

*NB cooking times may vary & will most likely take longer than specified.

The "bonding weekend" away with the parental units #2

2008-11-25T13:45:00.001Z

Day Two

I awoke the next day somewhat confused & a touch traumatised - having spent most of my sleeping hours wavering between nausea & outbursts of maniacal laughter whilst trying to work out how & why a horse's leg could randomly fall off.

Breakfast entailed my dad getting irate about smoking indoors & phallic-shaped mystery meat sammiches which were unnervingly delicious. I never did find out what they were but they certainly gave Mr Brain a run for his money.

Our guide turned up a bit later & chaperoned our aged party (everyone else was over 60, bar the skeletal fatspo girl of indeterminable age) on a magical mystery tour of The Bahia Palace, The Koutoubia Minaret, a cat-infested garden & assorted doors along the way.
I'm still ~~collating~~ photoshopping the crap out of the some 400 photographs I took; they'll be uploaded on Flickr when I have time.*

Highlight of the day: getting chased around the souks by an enraged street seller for "bartering wrong".

*ETA never.

The "bonding weekend" away with the parental units #1

2008-11-07T08:48:00.002Z

Day One

My three day jaunt in Marrakech kicked off nicely with someone quite literally kicking the bucket at baggage control. Apparently the loud "thud" noise the chap's head made smacking onto the hard concrete floor wasn't quite traumatic enough; cue the words "oh he's fallen over, let's get him to his feet so that the blood doesn't pool in his legs". Beautiful.

First challenge: find internets. Circa 12 hours of being separated from my wireless intravenous drip, my inbuilt geek detector finally stirred: there before me lay Windows '95, IE without tabbed browsing and a keyboard with keys seemingly arranged by a crack-smoking blind man.

Having triumphed at hacking into the said PC (the password was "tulip"), I felt a celebratory drink was in order; cue a Mr Ben style apparition of an unnervingly excitable old man who insisted on putting a Fez on my head & giving me a tambourine to wave about. Having fulfilled his request for a photograph (I thought it was meant to be the other way round in these parts of the world?) & gesticulating at each other for a bit; I made my excuses & pressed on with my quest for booze. I soon learnt that scoring alcohol in Muslim countries can be pretty hit & miss - with the emphasis on the "miss" - not to mention that I was struggling to buy cigarettes (let alone smoke the bloody things).

And so concluded day one of the accidental detox...

No Going Back...

2008-10-30T17:21:00.000Z

I just spent half an hour rearranging furniture in my flat, only to conclude that it looked much better the way it was arranged before I started faffing with it.

I genuinely assumed I could click the IRL browser's "back" button, then realised that I spend far too much time on the internets :v

I'm sure that's got to be worse than dialling "9" for an outside line or trying to pause the TV?

Palin as President: an Interactive Test-Drive...

2008-10-23T18:13:00.000+01:00

(click to view) - make sure you have sound on

Picture Sarah Palin gleefully making herself comfortable in The Oval HQ; checking her Yahoo! Mail & absent-mindedly murmuring "Where'd Russia go...?"

Actually - on second thoughts -don't; you'd never do that trail of thought anywhere near as much justice as Sean Ohlenkamp - I'm not surprised he's been scooped up by M&C Saatchi...

The Angel Holds My Heart Entwined...

2008-10-21T14:51:00.000+01:00

Agent Provocateur's competition is annoying me:

The angel holds my heart entwined
Liberate my ex-valentine
Swallow your fear and live free
The serpent surrounds the clue to me.

One of the seven deadly sins may'haps?

Review: Emilie Autumn @ The Carling Academy, Islington.

2008-10-08T16:46:00.002+01:00

ARE YOU SUFFERING?

Having recently expanded my somewhat ~~eclectic~~ car crash music taste to accommodate all things classical, I stumbled across Emilie Autumn on my travels; a seemingly reassuring middle ground between teenage angst & an oh-shit-I’m-getting-old-and-appreciating-violin-concertos kind of dilemma.

Emilie is an incredible violinist when she’s not trying to win the prep school drama prize for pseudo-baroque yowling theatrics, hence I was very much intrigued as to what lay instore for us…

(Alas I started to lose my faith when I checked out the "kids"* posting on her forum the night before the gig.)

*he's 25.

Here are the unedited notes that xerode & I took whilst propping up the bar:

THEY ARE DANGLING TEA BAGS ON STRINGS

"4 o’clock, half past dead" (isn’t that a Steven Segal movie?) “LIAR LIAR LIAR”- inspired & profound.
~~I’d like it a lot more sans theatrics and vocals; some nice breakcore-ish stuff in the background for the intro.~~ Hang on, she only has 4 rhythms.
First gig where I’ve encountered high-pitched teenage squealing. Is her audience entirely ~~prepubescent~~ castrated or just female?

When is a concert not a concert? WHEN NOBODY PLAYS ANY INSTRUMENTS.
Bad mixing with overpowering vocals. Microphone feedback. At least one backing singer/performer/drama school reject can’t control her singing,
she certainly doesn’t know her range or voices. Or what key the song is in. Or maybe that she's even on stage. At all.

Five girls looking lost on stage a la Satanic Sluts - but with more clothes on alas.

Is Emilie signed to Cleopatra Records? She should be.
At least the girl can fiddle, even if the music sounds like a cross between Razed in Black and Evancescence,
fronted by Anastacia and with a hint of baroque for good measure. Stop screeching, woman.

A cardboard moon and stars on bits of string: wtf?
Well she seems to know her target audience judging by the recycled props from last year's nativity play...

Crowd full of dead people - NOBODY is moving.
Emilie really really REALLY loves harpsichord preset #4 - & so will you after an hour of it...
Why choose just one theme for the stage show when you can have a girl for every occasion? Pirate, ballerina, doll, ugly screeching harridan etc.

“We’ve been taking a test to see how long it takes for a crumpet to smell” - is this some sort of kooky in-joke or some sort of lolrandom behaviour?

The backing singers aren’t the only ones on stage miming. Hang on, wasn’t one of them hideously out of key thirty seconds ago?

Brief interlude for Emilie’s costume change - 3 girls play parachute games a la after-school club, thrash about a bit & talk about tea again.
I imagine the 14 year old boys in the audience find the faux-lesbianism arousing. DAT tapes galore as an invisible orchestra plays EPIC MUSIC.

Oh look TIME FOR MORE TEA.

Uninspiring fetish stage performance shit - minus the blood & the nudity. If you’re going to do faux-cabaret please book some talent next time.
Circus Space is a good place to start. Only one performer looks like she has dance training & - unfortunately for her - she can’t lace her corset properly.
The stage show could do with a lot more rehearsal. Or at least people with a sense of rhythm.
Fuck it, just have everyone in fewer clothes, it’d distract from their amateurishness.

"LOVE PLUS BLOOD EQUALS MURDER!"
Kids, stay in school & don’t listen to Emilie - her maths is a bit wacky & these lyrics are dire.

Scripted mistakes a la every touring comedy show ever.

Time for a spot of heckling methinks: "GET YER TITS OOT”.
Alas Emilie didn’t oblige but had a fiddle fretwank. Got to love violin solos - especially ones that rip off the main theme from Dune.

Are the People at the bar goths who love this shit or just the audience’s parents?

In short: wannabe-Dresden Dolls pseudo-cabaret dumbed down for 14 year olds (and their parents).

As the accidental pantomime drew to a close our patience was finally rewarded with that long-awaited violin solo fix.

Whilst I was very much in awe of Emilie's violin talents, I still questioned whether the first hour and a half of ~~suffering~~ pained hilarity was worth the wait... As we left the venue early in favour of a cigarette & more wine, we were distracted by the Light Sounds installation which had us giddy with glee like err... the hyperactive sp00ky kids at the front of the crowd.

Thirty seconds later we conclude that the violin solo definitely wasn't worth the wait. At all.

MY CIGARETTES

2008-10-08T15:53:00.000+01:00

LET ME SHOW YOU THEM*
(click to reveal)

*God Bless Burger King.

Protip #2

2008-10-01T13:17:00.003+01:00

Consider one's choice of footwear prior to indulging in a spot of mouse stomping.

Drunk Bets = Awesome

2008-09-18T14:02:00.000+01:00

BUT WHO WILL WIN?

Google Chrome Review for Media Week

2008-09-12T15:39:00.000+01:00

As a die-hard Firefox user it felt like a bit of a traitor downloading Google Chrome on release day. The guilt didn’t last long however as I was up, running & in awe of Google’s latest proposition within a couple of minutes of clicking the “download” button. On first impression the Chrome interface was dauntingly minimalist; I felt lost without my custom browser skin & my plethora of add-ons. Fortunately I was soon consoled by the ease of the transition of usernames, passwords & bookmarks from my previous browser. I’m a bit of a tab junkie hence I was particularly keen to test Chrome’s ability to cope with a crash; as each tab functions as an individual process you don’t lose your entire session when one tab malfunctions - great! Switching a tab to incognito mode covers your tracks with the promise that your browsing history & cookies won’t be stored on your PC; good news for those attempting to curb their Facebook addiction when at work…

Interestingly enough IE is the only browser to have lost market share since the launch of Chrome, with the rest of the competing browsers all having climbed up the rankings; at the expense of IE so it would seem.

I’m certainly curious to see whether the Chrome add-ons will be the final nail in the coffin for Mozilla...

ROW ROW FIGHT THE POWAH

2008-09-10T14:00:00.000+01:00

(click to view)

aww Mootle.

I miss my SLR

2008-08-26T18:32:00.000+01:00

MY POKEMANS

2008-08-15T11:37:00.000+01:00

(click to view )
LET ME SHOW YOU THEM

Pokemon Mystery Dungeon : Explorers of Darkness
The good: Some cute cut-scenes & highly-addictive game play
The bad: You’re at the mercy of what the computer decides in terms of which character you play.
Verdict: More of the same but as the saying goes “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it…”

The Pokemon Mystery Dungeon series have been around since the days of the SNES and it would appear that Nintendo are still shamelessly cashing in on the franchise, this time with not one but two versions of their latest offering.

Admittedly the standard yet successful Mystery Dungeon formula has undergone very little change from the last installment but Explorers of Darkness is still a joy to play whether you’re a first timer or a fanboy.

The game kicks off with a series of questions about your personality; the idea being that your assigned Pokemon is closely matched to your character.
Not great when you get lumbered with Pika-Pika-Pikachu as there’s no option of switching characters without having to go through the rigmarole of resetting & manually going through the personality test once again…
In terms of building your Pokemon army there doesn’t seem to be much in the way of structure or strategy – occasionally a random enemy will ask if they can join your team.
Most of the items & moves are in keeping with the traditional Pokemon; as are your character’s strengths & weaknesses in terms of type (e.g. water-based Pokemon are most effective against fire-based Pokemon).
In terms of navigation, Nintendo have seemingly disregarded the DS’s famed touch screen functionality – with 90% of the game play facilitated by using the Button & D-pad combo instead of the stylus.
Admittedly the game controls are great, it’s just a shame that the novelty value of the touchpad is lost almost entirely.

Explorers of Darkness is good fun & infectiously addictive; however I’d suggest sticking with your Mystery Dungeon predecessor unless you play Pokemon for its storyline(!)

Protip #1

2008-08-14T12:42:00.001+01:00

Don't forget to blow. HARD.

Lip Tattoo

2008-08-05T09:32:00.000+01:00

Not as painful as you might think...

I'm in Love

2008-07-27T17:19:00.000+01:00

If only I could bring myself to wear them outside the haus...

Speed Hating

2008-07-24T17:20:00.000+01:00

(click to view)

OH LAWDS

2008-07-13T21:33:00.001+01:00

(click to view)

You Just Lost the Game

2008-07-04T12:11:00.001+01:00

(click to view)

hehe

2008-06-29T10:48:00.001+01:00

(click to view)

Waffle Crab is Now a Meme

2008-06-25T18:11:00.000+01:00

Muchobene Amusement

2008-06-24T09:46:00.000+01:00

Forget texting 63336: Muchobene does it for free with the added perk of being able to answer back/generally abuse whoever you coverse with.

Looks good on paper; endless source of amusement for /b/tards :D

Thought of the Day #3

2008-06-11T13:41:00.000+01:00

FUCKING MOVE.

So I Herd...

2008-06-02T11:01:00.000+01:00

David Mudkips: The man, the Myth, the Legend

Thought of the Day #2

2008-05-23T11:56:00.000+01:00

Do blind people get fined if they don't pick up their dog's shit?

Thought of the Day #1

2008-05-17T15:13:00.000+01:00

We are all pre-op transexuals.

I ♥ binary

2008-05-09T14:40:00.000+01:00

The Monetise Friday Caption Competition...

2008-05-09T11:31:00.000+01:00

Friday Caption Competition

2008-05-02T14:39:00.001+01:00

I love Fridays & Fridays love me :D
Without further ado I present today's favourites...

Lunch With Grant & the Gang: Some Observations...

2008-05-02T14:13:00.000+01:00

Andy is one hungry fucker
Grant has too much time on his hands
Heather is cheap
I have expensive taste
Inside jokes are aces

Fishy Business

2008-02-26T23:34:00.000Z

Since when did the humble cod sprout loins?

mmm SO GOOD

2008-02-03T10:35:00.000Z

The Merrill Howard Kalin Show pt 1